The Lustful Pursuit of Approval

Now that got Sue's attention lol.

It's easy to see and say now, but the pursuit of other people's approval was probably the most unfruitful, deceptive and dangerous path I ever took. I started out innocently enough, wanting the love of an emotionally detached father and the mother who was so busy taking care of him and my younger brother that my naturally compliant nature made me easy to overlook. But I yearned for something more, I wanted their approval, I wanted that kind of storybook love that is always proud. I wanted it to be okay that I was a girl, I wanted it to be great that I got good grades, I wanted it to be okay that I was undersized and unathletic, I wanted to be set apart as the firstborn. I wanted to be someone my parents would beam with pride at when they saw me.

But I wasn't. And I didn't give up until my late teenage years, and then I simply sought out the approval of others. And finding that approval was elusive and unpredictable in nature, I internalised my inability to gain it as failure.

How very tragic! And how very typical!

The need for approval is one of those needs that I call lustful because it consumes a person, and at it's worst it can utterly drive our behavior to the point where we lose ourselves in being what everyone else demands we be. It is the safe route, the route, we mistakenly believe, to love itself.

I have been the type of person who agonizes over what people think about me, especially when my motives are great and I get completely misunderstood. Ever have one of those days where you walk up to three people, make casual conversation and no matter what you say have it turn out being taken the wrong way? A few months ago it happened to me and I truly wanted to vomit, part because I did not want these people thinking I was a total jerk but mostly because of the knowledge that somehow I had wounded these people. And wounding people really cuts me to the heart, it always has. I was a basket case for a week, it kept me up at night and preoccupied my thoughts.

Can we say "totally sick and twisted stronghold?" Yeppers.

And over the years it was really bad for me because sometimes the Lord calls me to say something to someone. And I hate it but He will not stop bugging me until I obey. And I know that no matter how gently or lovingly or privately I deliver that message I might get smacked around or at lease resented and sometimes even hated. (I remember once a man respomded simply with, "Well, God loves you anyway." And I never heard from him again) And it used to just kill me. I would torture myself, even as the Lord would reassure me that I didn't do anything wrong (although sometimes I blew it). But still, I wanted to please God and not men and so time and time again, I put my friendships on the line (and sometimes on the chopping block) because I wanted them to know what the Lord was saying. The price has been high, but my conscience is clear.

So anyway, come last week and I had the Lord prodding me for two days, nonstop. And I literally feel nauseated. But I love this person and so I finally go ahead and well, the response cut deep. I was pretty devastated but it is something I have grown accustomed to. So I decided not to retaliate, but instead to go into my closet and have the Spirit search me for fault (which is a very liberating experience, much better than just a knee jerk assumption that I am right and it always bears fruit for me, especially when I screw up).

And besides a few minor things that were just a "heads up" for the future, something amazing occurred to me.

Why, when I delivered what I spoke from my heart, am I more concerned with their perception of me than with how they are going to react to what I am telling them?

Well, I was shocked. The enemy had created such an extensive stronghold with me that instead of praying that the message be explored with the Father, I was busy agonising over if this person or that person despised me! How utterly self-centered, and what a clever trap!

And so I laid it down and repented and told God it was way too powerful for little old me to get away from and as if it had never even existed, it was gone. And it was replaced by a genuine concern that the message be received as God has intended it, and that the enemy would not snatch it away. There was a sadness within me, because I do feel a strong compassion for those who being pruned (mostly because it is like a weekly experience for me and I understand the pain!) but it was no longer about me at all. And it is like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. In fact, my blood pressure dropped down into normal levels and I am off my medication!

For over 30 years I have been begging God for thicker skin, only to have Him say no but now I see that this is a better way. I want to care about people, I don't want to callously shrug off their feelings as though they are worth nothing. Jesus delivered harsh words sometimes but he had the most tender heart on the planet. And so often, in order to thicken our skin and deny our own emotions, we self-control it to the point where no one is allowed to feel anything. We grow contemptuous of our God-given emotions. But emotions are a great gift, compassion and gentleness are wonderful gifts -- in fact none of the fruits of the Spirit can even exist outside of the world of emotions. Peace without emotions is nothing but numbness. Love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control are nothing without a healthy emotional life. But this is getting way too long so more for another day, if anyone is still reading my plethora of posts LOL.
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